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Free Picks from the Betting Fool
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The Betting Fool likes beer and bootleg Wilco tapes, the Allman Brothers and Bruce Springsteen. He likes fishing and farts, dogs and soft couches. And if you ever want to take him on in golf and wager a few simoleons, the Fool says "bring it on." Want to make him mad? Talk bad about the Giants, the San Diego Chargers or the Ohio State Buckeyes.
If he talks bad about your favorite teams, don't get too excited, he may be just trying to get a reaction. But he does not like the Raiders.
His greatest athletic accomplishments are shooting a 3-under 69 at Alameda's North Course and leading the "Stoners" over the "Jocks" in 1976 on a muddy field at Los Altos High School, hitting a streaking Danny Callahan with the winning touchdown.
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First picks of the year mean, well, what do they mean?
August 2, 2007
I could have typed turgidly on Tuesday or waxed wisely on Wednesday.
But doing the bull dance and feeling the flow of -- let it all sink in -- FOOTBALL SEASON gave me the kind of jolt to crank it up on Thursday, to start the twice-a-week grind, to feel alive again.
Yeah, and if you believe that, you probably also believe Donald Rumsfeld's version of the handling of Pat Tillman's death. You also quite possibly believe China's main goal in hosting the 2008 Olympics is athletic glory and world peace.
Which reminds me of one of my favorite bumper stickers, often seen in politically snarky towns like Berkeley: "Visualize Whirled Peas."
Another good one: "My dropout just kicked the living crap out of your honor student." These are seen in Concord. Or Livermore.
Football season, check. Thursday, right. We never lied about Tillman. Gotcha.
Truth be told, the passing of Bill Walsh threw a little hitch in my git-a-long, as did other factors which shall remain private because, well, little known Fool fact is that one of my nicknames is Private Benjamin. Seriously. No? Well, if you'll admit Goldie Hawn was hot when she danced in her bikini on "Laugh In", then I'll move on.
Good, thanks.
I now reward your patience with the first picks of the season. They are not exactly football game picks. That starts next week with exhibition games.
These are, well, you'll catch on faster than "Turtle" after "Johnny Drama" explained why they were picking up a bunny suit at the dry cleaners in last week's brilliant episode of "Entourage."
LAST WEEK: 0-0 in college (+0), 0-0 in NFL (+0), 1-0 in AFL (+100).
OVERALL: 1-0-0.
STARTING BANKROLL: 1,000 simoleons.
CURRENT BANKROLL: 1,100 simoleons.
(Point spreads are entirely made up and anyone who questions that I had the SaberCats last week, well, I did.)
COLLEGE
FATE (-21) over Cal Football: The Bears have a dynamite running back, good skill players and are picked to finish second in the Pac-10, maybe top 15 nationally. Trouble is, this season they still might be three touchdowns worse than overstocked USC. The Trojans' second team might finish third in the Pac-10 this season. The Fool risks 50 simoleons on another Holiday Bowl berth for the Bears.
SLOGANS (-14) over Stanford Football: Before you can say things like "Our House, Our Dream," you need to make sure that "your" house isn't a home for football nightmares and that it doesn't draw thousands more fans for soccer matches. The Fool risks 50 simoleons on the UNDER for Stanford's 2007 win total of three.
PRO
Public Opinion (-7) over Michael Vick/NAACP: So the NAACP says "to treat him (Vick) as he is being treated . . . is a crime." Sponsors are dropping him left and right. Not a crime. Awareness of dogfighting has increased. Not a crime. PETA is up in arms. Not a crime, but usually annoying. Vick's massive salary and NFL future may be gone. Based on the fact that he allegedly chose murdering and torturing dogs over financial security and worldwide fame . . . now THAT is a crime. The Fool tisks.
Reality (-16) over Al Davis: Uncle Al says Daunte Culpepper has a little Jim Plunkett in him? I'm thinking maybe Al had a little too much captain in him, if you catch my drift. The Fool risks a gallon of Maker's Mark.
NBA
Real Big Three (+Championship banners) over Fake Big Three: The Celtics and NBA honks everywhere are referring to Boston's new group of stars -- Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen -- as the "Big Three." This is in reference to Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parrish, the original Big Three. Garnett is a great player who has won -- nothing. Pierce is a me-first gunner and Allen has a fine outside shot but little else and is well past his prime. The Fool risks 50 simoleons that the Celtics won't make the Eastern Conference semifinals next year.
MLB
Big Market Teams (-162) over Rest of MLB: In an AP story on baseball trades I saw the following sentence: "So goes baseball in the age of parity." What? Parity? Where?
The Red Sox, Yankees, Mets, Cubs, Braves and Angels get whatever they want, whenever they want it. Yes, it was neat to see the Astros and Tigers in recent World Series, but both teams got so thoroughly waxed (hey Tigers, it's called a bunt, might wanna practice fielding them in spring training), it was like they were never there. Now, the big money boys rule all. The Brewers? Whatever. No chance. I say if a team's payroll is twice that of any other team in baseball, you start the season 0-10. Nice job, Drugged Earwig. The Fool risks nothing.
A Clue (-8.63 ERA) over Matt Morris: The former Giants pitcher rips on the Giants' attitude and effort and further suggests the managers are not as good as Tony La Russa and that he is glad to be out of there? Matty-Mo, look around. You are now a Pittsburgh Pirate. You are part of a franchise that has defined "lame" and "crummy" and "useless" for a very long time. You are part of a franchise that traded an outfield prospect for a broken-down pitcher with a fat contract. And Matt, you pitched like a diseased manatee for most of your stay in S.F. Did you see La Russa's all-star blunder? The Fool risks his useless Matt Morris baseball card.
TV/RADIO
ESPN (-Pride) over Balanced Coverage: I've beat this dead horse until there is nothing left but scarred bone, but when ESPN leads "SportsCenter" with the Kevin Garnett trade over the death of Bill Walsh, well, it was almost as embarrassing as the idiotic, overblown and gross coverage of NASCAR, now that the Left Turn Circuit has moved back to ESPN for several more weeks.
I lost it when, in hyping the Brickyard 400, I heard some idiot anchor read that "kissing the bricks" is one of the "most cherished traditions in sports." The brick kissing is barely a decade old and is as "cherished" as the new YELLING intro to "SportsCenter."
HEY, SHUT UP! We know who Jeff Gordon is. STOP YELLING. NOW!
GOLF
Gag Reflex (-3 footer) over Sergio Garcia: Good ol' Spoogio. He had it, then he didn't. Then he whined about everything when in fact it was him who yacked up a chance to win a major. The Fool risks 100 simoleons on Garcia not finishing in the Top 30 at the PGA.
Funny Farm (-3 wood) over Gary Player: I'm glad he drinks filtered rain forest mud, camel bile and hummingbird phlegm and will live to be 105, but Gary Player shouldn't be talking about steroids in golf. He vaguely refers to a few guys, then quietly disappears without naming names. Maybe he drank camel phlegm that week by mistake. The Fool risks 20 gallons of wolf urine.
NICKNAMES
Readers (+3) over "Drugged Earwig": OK, so I used it too much and it wasn't real funny. It's gone. Done. Retired. Happy? If I wanna give the baseball commissioner a nickname straight off a middle school playground, I'll do it. The head of the NBA will be known as "Paved Sperm" from now on. Got it? The Fool risks embarrassment (daily).
Got a beef? E-mail the Fool. He loves the attention.
Over the previous 15 years, "The Fool's" column has appeared in the Contra Costa Times, the Oakland Tribune and in cyberspace at SFGate.com and Bayinsider.com. He was a Warriors beat writer for eight years and also covered the NFL and Cal football on a regular basis.
Need help with your football picks, have a sports question or are you terribly lonely? Email the Fool He loves the attention.
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